Foxtrot, Uniform, ...

No, this is not a posting about the Bloodhound Gang song or even about swearing via the medium of the International Phonetic Alphabet. It's about my surname.

Foxtrot, Uniform, Tango, Echo, Romeo, Sierra.

It really shouldn't be a name that causes any trouble. Only six letters and when you know how it is pronounced you see that it follows English pronunciation systems (such as they are) pretty well.

Yet there are two angles of approach which lead to error. The first is reading the name.

"Hello, can I speak to Mr ... Futters?" 

You see? I even had to add an extra "t" just to make you realise where the mistake lies. There is only a single "t" in my surname, so it cannot rhyme with "Mutters", "Stutters" or "Putters"

"Hello, is that Mr Footers?"

Of course it isn't; again I've had to change the spelling to show you quite clearly where the error lies. There is no double "o" nor is there an "ou" so it does not rhyme with "Booters" or "Routers"

(Apologies to anyone in the USA for that last one. In the UK we pronounce "route" like the things that a tree has and a "rout" is when all your soldiers run away.)

Let me ask you this; has your Computter ever gone on the blink? Have you ever needed to phone the Compooter Support Helpline?

Of course you haven't, because Futers rhymes with Computers.

I said there were two paths to error. The second is aural, and quite possible oral too. I admit, my enunciation is not always the clearest, and having a slight Geordie accent probably doesn't help, so when I say my surname over the telephone or in conversation, lots of people hear:

"Suters? That's an unusual name"
or
"Certainly Mr Peters, we will send you that straight away."


I recently asked someone at work (in a different department) to collect a letter that had come to my desk in error. In a very short while a young woman appeared at the door.

"Mr Peterson?" she asked. Knowing the source of the error, I waved and she approached.

"I bet no-one ever calls you Mr Peterson" she quipped.

Now I don't think of myself as a rude person, but I must say (with hindsight) that I what I said next was very rude. It was also spontaneous and I didn't have time to consider what I said. I am not proud of it and I apologise profusely for any distress caused. I said:

"No, not often, but then my name is Futers."

Since then I have been extra careful when giving my name over the phone. In order to ensure my audience gets the right spelling, I am forced to fall back on:

"My name is Kevin Futers, that's Foxtrot, Uniform, ..."